Hundreds ignore warnings, die in tsunami sheepishly assuming Daisuke will save them

TOKYO– Hundreds of people in the Japanese port city of Sendai were killed instantly this morning by a massive tsunami after refusing to evacuate and seek higher ground. Ignoring the warnings and sirens, their bodies were swallowed by the unforgiving Pacific after failing to realize that pitchers and catchers reported to spring training two weeks ago. Savior Daisuke Matsuzaka was nowhere to be found.  

Kenichi Yamamoto told relatives in the south that he was going to “play it cool” and wait for the Boston Red Sox southpaw and former Seibu Lions ace to swoop in and save the island of Honshu, deflecting the giant wave with his mighty gyroball. The line reportedly went dead seconds later.

In the hours since the devastation, similar stories of have continued to pour into media outlets regarding concerned friends and relatives phoning loved ones in the Sendai area only to hear that they were planning on “keeping it real” or “straight chilling” and waiting for the “Dice-man” to decimate the great wave with his mythical pitch much like he did to the Orion asteroid that was headed for Kyoto in 1995 and the legendary F5 tornado that was on a collision course with Kobe in 2001. Matsuzaka was also able to quell a potentially massive Mount Fuji eruption in 2007 with his magnanimous gyroball. 

When the crest of the great swell appeared on the horizon with the greatest pitcher ever nowhere to be seen, some people started trying to hurl their own gyroballs at it, according to Super Big-Time News 4 in Tokyo.

“Unfortunately nobody knew how to throw it,” said Red Sox fan Hitomi Akami who knew better than to trust the lefty with an impressively high WHIP and wisely sought higher ground. “Most people were throwing plain old sliders—and everybody knows that a slider can’t stop a 400 mile per hour wave.”

The venerable pitch is a Matsuzaka family secret that was invented by Daisuke’s grandfather, Rick Matsuzaka, in 1908. According to legend, the elder Matsuzaka was tinkering with his slide piece when one just took off on him, traveled several hundred miles northwest and exploded over the Podkamennaya Tunguska River in Siberia. The 30 megaton blast was the largest ever in recorded history.

“There was nothing I could do,” said the fragile superstar when he received word of the devastation this morning. “I threw batting practice yesterday.”

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Big Diesel Eager to Accept Smaller Roll

BOSTON– Shaquille O’Neal, the 15 time All-Star known as The Diesel, The Big Aristotle and The Shaqtus, has a new city and has yet to address a new nomenclature for the 6th stop of his Hall of Fame career, but at a Celtics welcome dinner, Sunday, the once-dominate big man enthusiastically embraced a fresh smaller roll, according to team sources.

The gathering was held at the home of team captain Paul Pierce whose wife Traci, on behalf of the organization, presented the aging superstar with several different bite-sized victuals. O’Neal said he would be happy to take on a smaller roll and even showed a keen interest in trying multiple rolls, Ms. Pierce told the Associated Press.

“I’m at the point in my career where I know what the correct roll is for me,” said O’Neal. “I’ve been at this for over 15 years and I’ve seen a lot of things. I watched Vlade Divac and [Arvydas] Sabonis and lot of other guys take on reduced rolls at this age and still throw down 10 or 12 a night. Do I think I can do it? I’m the best there’s ever been, so yeah if they did 10 a night, I’m doing 20.”

The rolls were buttery and flakey, according to a source close to the situation.

“Danny [Ainge] didn’t even have to butter it up for me. They’ve got a successful recipe,” O’Neal told reporters, ”and that’s why I’m here.”

Big Baby Gets Call, Gets Big Bucket

BOSTON– With time winding down before his other freezer items started to melt, Big Baby Glen Davis waited for his opportunity to get in there, last night, then took matters into his own hands, creating his own opportunity to reach that gallon tub of sherbert on the top shelf. According to shoppers, Davis grew increasingly anxious waiting for his turn as he noticed his box of Ellio’s had started to sweat. “I knew I had to make a move if I wanted results,” Davis told reporters after the fact. The former LSU star caught a small opening in the heavily trafficked isle, drove hard, head down, through the lane and lifted his 6’9″ frame inches off the ground while flailing his meaty appendages wildy in a furious attempt to get to the bucket. After displaying his trademark hustle for a second, third, and what only some observers described as a fourth attempt to get at the bucket, Whole Foods worker Gail Bennett interrupted play and made the correct call to stockboy Greg Strickland for a step ladder. The call sent Davis to the line for his third trip of the night where he converted his cash into some big crunch-time snacks.

Chipper Jones to hurt himself tonight vs Cardinals

ST LOUIS, MO– Atlanta Braves 3B Chipper Jones is expected to leave tonight’s game in the 3rd or 4th inning and will tentatively be placed on the disabled list sometime next week, the team’s official website reported yesterday. The move, spurred by an injury probably to his hip or back, is pending the results of an MRI that will most likely take place after tonight’s game in St. Louis.

Braves Manager Bobby Cox told reporters that he is assuming he will pull the 38-year-old from the game after sliding awkwardly or swinging mightily, perhaps throwing gingerly. 

“He will undoubtedly give us a convincing wince,” said Cox.

Head athletic trainer Tony Mandrake said that Jones is not expected to writhe on the ground in pain or show marked signs of physical injury. “The injury will be in the moderate to severe range nonetheless,” added Mandrake. 

The subject of a possible return date for the occasional slugger has not yet been breached. “The team will surely dick around for 3 to 5 days, giving Jones a few at bats here and there as to frustrate fans and fantasy owners, until ultimately deciding maybe not to put him on the DL,” General Manager John Scheurholz is thinking about writing in a prepared statement to the press.

Team doctors have not yet ruled out a wrist injury as a possible culprit.

Lincecum leads clowder of cats to ballpark, then goes to work

HOUSTON–When Giants Ace Tim Lincecum left for Minute Maid Park  this morning he made sure to bring his nasty fastball with him. He also dragged along an equally filthy clowder of feral cats. The feline parade had little trouble tracking the two-time Cy Young Award winner’s formidable scent through the players’ entrance, to the locker room and then out onto the field.

“He was straight dirty tonight,” remarked Astros slugger Hunter Pence, “the kinda guy you really don’t wanna see out there.”

The markedly haggard Lincecum mystified the Astros lineup to the tune of 14 strikeouts in a tidy 7 innings of work. The Giants’ bats finished the job, tacking on 8 runs, the final score reading 8-1.

“I just kept telling my guys, ‘just concentrate on the ball and stop worrying if they’ve received their rabies shots,’” said first year manager Brad Mills. “This is stuff we went over in spring training but obviously we still have some work to do.”

Giants Manager Bruce Bochy shut down his mangy All-Star after he reached the 110 pitch mark and sent him to the trainer to get iced down, by that time game was well in hand.

“Could he have gone another inning or two?” asked Bochy. “Most definitely, but we had to get him out of the dugout. I think his clowder picked up another two or three cats throughout the game. It’s getting a little out of control.”

“He’s even started insisting that we call it a ‘desctruction of cats,’” added Bochy. “I don’t know if it’s correct but it is certainly gay.”

According a source close to the situation, the clowder has been following Lincecum since the start of spring training when he spilled a can of tuna in “that scraggly fucking mop of his.” As of press time, it is still unclear whether or not the tuna was self inflicted.

“Yeah, it was nasty,” said Astros 2B Kaz Matsui through an interpreter, “almost as disgusting as the time on the [Yomiyuri] Giants when Daisuke [Matsuzaka] made it rain carp on us with his gyroball.”